Mumblebumblemushymess

我已经开始学放弃你。

我们从来都没什么希望，我很不想放开，可是不知道为什么心竟然已经开始学放弃你。

我感情从来都不变，但是我真的看不见我和你的前途。。。

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Day of Past

After many years of hiatus from badminton, I got to play some today. Jane and i were terrible, my shuttlecock-racquet contact rate was 80%. Bending over for the shuttlecocks on the ground is a part and parcel of the overall exercise. A Nicholas and a SomeonewhosenameIdidn’tcatch were awfully nice to us, pairing up with us for doubles matches. There was a match in which Jane and I were a pair, we very nearly beat them! And it wasn’t because they switched to their weaker hands! They were good sport, letting us have a bit of fun before humiliating us with 10 consecutive points in the end.
I just came back from a school band reunion with a difference. Instead of the usual crew, we met up with members spanning 6,7 years. Was so happy that one of my favouritest person in band attended, of course I had to grandly pretend that I have forgotten her.
Was supposed to go out again, an after-dinner party, but I guess it’ll be another time. I’ve exerted enough energy to whisk conversation out of thin air for the day.
Diffidence remains a big hindrance to me, I hesitated during badminton, I hesitated to mingle with the seniors, some of which I don’t even remember. I could have played better in the first few rounds if I had not doubted myself so much and would have much more fun if I had just walked up and joined the conversations. I latched on to Hui Li’s confidence and ease. Things would be a lot different if she was not there being her extremely approachable self.
I’m working on it, I am! Lynnie, you think you might be anti-social? Try being me >.<
Socialphobia. Fear of people – this can be crowds, speaking in front of groups (Glassophobia), meeting strangers, even being afraid of interacting with family member. Often diagnosed as extreme shyness. Self-esteem, being judged by others, rejection, embarrassment and acceptance may all need to be addressed.
Really, I need to get rid of this ridiculous fear. It’s rather pathetic too. I’ve been trying so hard to overcome it, one day, I hope to interact with others on cue, not after I’ve readied myself 10, 15 minutes.

Post Cambodia

Just came back from Cambodia on the 12th with Calvin, Jane, Ian and Chang Xun. My standard answer to everyone that asks how it was is “amazing”. I can’t begin to gush about Angkor. The temples, Angkor Wat. I would return only to walk through its gates, to say that it was magical is a severe understatement. The moment we were on the bridge, walking across the moat towards the outer enclosure walls, the sublime magnificence of the looming ancient structure just made it oh so hard to breathe. I had to lean against the wall for some time, just to touch it, just to feel it. The best part was the last archway which opened to the linear path of the outer enclosure which leads to the walls of the inner enclosure where the main temple is located. At that archway I felt faint, the vast fields to the side of the path and the temple proper in the distance with the sky pink and blue framed by an arch of a dark, cool corridor. Bah, I can go on forever. I feel truly blessed to have experienced one of the most celebrated creations of mankind. My biggest regret is going so soon, as I heard from my mum that Taylor’s students have field trips to the Angkor Wat, if I only I have heeded Kenny’s suggestion that it would not be my only chance. The other temples are amazing in their own right, but of course, nothing compares to Angkor Wat. Although the Bayon did not disappoint, I got quite lost for a moment, the numerous reconstruction works had rendered the second level almost a maze. It was interesting to compare the monuments, especially in accordance to the timeline and the changes of belief and culture. One thing about South East Asian religious monuments, the practice and the technology of masonry imported, I guess, from India, is so different from the timber dwellings of the people, can you imagine how much labour was involved?
Once again, I have to limit my ramblings..
I learned that I should break free and be vigilant of the obstacles at hand to overcome them in my own, independent way. I need to carry myself better.

Suziblu

So he reached home, apparently half an hour before I called. Maybe his mum was just trying to protect him from my wrath; I’ve been waiting very patiently for a call. I guess he wouldn’t call me tonight, maybe in the morning, when he has settled down enough to remember me.

I love suziblu. She’s on youtube as suziblutube teaching, preaching art, she’s an advocate of all things art, all art by you and me. I don’t remember how I came across her channel a year ago, but I am so darned glad I did! My favourite episode (webisode?) is about self portraits. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fi2gcjP88VM In which she says, you are sacred, your art is sacred.. your life is not going to be sacred when you lose ten pounds, or when you finally graduate school, or when you put a beautiful painting on a page.. don’t you want to stop waiting?”  I completely agree with “cause you are going to get bold, you are going to do what you want to do, and then explode out in to other areas in your life” I have been scared my entire life. I am scared of commitment, I’m scared of disappointment, I’m scared to try and I’m scared to start. All the things I have failed with are caused not by my incompetence, but because of the limits I set myself with! So I will break free! I will start an art journal!.. tomorrow, tonight’s too late lol.

Oh, I’m going to lock posts that regards Kenny solely. Tell me if you want the password

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The three things…

I want to accomplish this holiday: 

        Go! to the gym

        Work! earn some money 

        Read! more doctrines written by self-absored, self-indulgent egomaniacs called starchitects

 

Happy holidays everyone!  

   I just got home yesterday, with the rain and the darkness of night, it was a pretty straining drive. Ah, home sweet home. For some reason, the first thing I got myself was char hor fun instead of the laksa I’ve been whining about for the last couple of days. Perhaps it was the laksa I took at OldTown in Cyberjaya that put me off it. Really, the laksa there was too…. clean. The pieces of fish were still.. pieces of fish!

  It is unrealistic, unfathomable, how some stupid dude can have so much effect on me. I mean, come on! I don’t think it is really neccessary for every song played on the radio the entire trip to remind me of him. Aiyoh, I was driving somemore. Sometimes I think that I get too emotional over a dude.

  Bah, just received another “I have uploaded some pics of you, click here to see it” msn virus-thingies. I know sometimes you click on them accidentally and then you get affected. But the multitude of such messages sent to me in a day just proves that somewhere out there, there actually are people dumber than you! You go Hsien! Really, a friend of mine once sat next to me while I was chatting online, saw one such message and started urging me very earnestly to click it. I was torn between laughter and scorn. I think I patted that person in the end.

  Work, huh. That’s the second big thing on my mind right now. First being getting to KL next Wednesday to see dude off (he’s going home). How am I going to tell my dad, when I just got home that I have to go to KL again? Dad accepts him, but there is an unspoken agreement that we do not discuss any matters pertaining him. My parents are a bit unsupportive because they know that we are not going to last.. but.. but.. that’s what makes it all the better for me! Seriously, I like being so deeply involved with a guy, but I don’t want to be tied down to any guy when I graduate. The both of us forsee great pain in the very immediate future, but it is just what we have to go through. He has to go home, and I want freedom. All’s well ends well. Hopefully. Ah, I forsee the pain. (DARN! I just found out that my dad’s going to Philippines tomorrow till next Tuesday! This is baaad to the grand plan. He would be very very unamused to know that I intend to go away, even for a day, the day he comes back. fuck.) 

  Anyways, main point: WORK. need money to go on holiday to Cambodia to see the Angkors. Also, I need new clothes, new shades, new shoes ( I worn out 3 pairs this year, no joke), a 2G RAM upgrade for laptop (God knows how much that will cost. PC fair coming soon though, will check there). In summary, I need to get my fat, lazy ass to work. What should I be? Waitressing for RM5 or shopkeeping for RM4.50 are very unappealing. Kumon perhaps, there is a centre closeby… Suggestions?

   Oh also, I want to meet up old friends. Heard Puan Chin is having a party soon and we are invited, I want to go, but.. do I want to go? Nurul is in USA… Heng Tien is in Taiwan… the rest have UTM… hmmm…. 

*PoohBearthinkthinkthinkthink*

Changes Change Changed

So. Yea.

I’m at Limkokwing now, have been here for a month. Have not been online properly for a month too. I just got my internet up at my uncle’s place, now I’m very guilty, he got Streamyx for me and I’m planning to move out soon, 2 weeks from now hopefully, to a little town called Seri Kembangan near campus. Rental for the entire unit is.. RM350 per month! My friends’ hostel rooms are at RM400. Wheeeee

My University friends are little pieces of diamond. I’m now with them 24/7 argh. Can’t believe how easily they accepted me into their group, just can’t. Gah! Sometimes I just want to give them a very largely big hug.  If I had to leave Limkokwing for local Uni, I’d.. I’d cry. Really cry.

I’m so different now, I realise. My attitude towards life, work, love(?), friends is different from 2 months ago.

Ok Ok, I shall quit stalling.. Sheesh (at Jing)

So there is this one guy I’m particularly close to in the group. His name is Kenny. He’s freakishly tall. With us, it’s always 2 steps forward 1 step leap step back.

Anyways… I have loads of work to do. Miss you all!! Later

I can’t sleep.

Gah X.x I tried to sleep. 2 hours ago. Tak boleh laaaa… I’m wasting time. I can’t study either. Me brain’s on life support. So Imma surf~~

12.19am

A hsien! A hsien! My kingdom for a hsien!

Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?

12.25am
I decided to clickity for a bit more fun XD. I saw Lyn online, so I gave her the link, she got “Nay, faith, let me not play a Lyn; I have a beard coming” LMAO

He that sleeps feels not the hsien

Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?

Yes indeed, this a sign!!

12.38

The sleep doth protest too much, methinks.

or not…

1.02am

Star Wars Horoscope for Scorpio

You are a powerful character. You tend to be possessive and lusty – which explains your greedy nature. You feel threatened when people try to order you around or control you. You are prone to suspicion and jealousy – but your resilience and passion get you what you want.Star wars character you are most like: Han Solo

What Is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

melikey!! *drools* XD

1.11am

You Are 30% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well. In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

MWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Ee!~ I feel sleepy! Sleeepy!! Whee~

And finally, 1.22am

Why can’t you log out of life?

Really la.. What’s the point? I’m going to fail STPM anyways, I might as well chuck everything aside and just party with everyone else.
People don’t understand why I say F6′s tough, to most of them, STP’s just another public exam. Well… unless you did A levels, you have NO opinion. Maybe because it IS a public exam that I didn not study for a whole year.
Now it’s down to 42 days. And failed basically everything.
It’s cool to have friends who go to Cambridge, Imperial, or, are capable of hoping for an Ivy. I can’t even envy them.
I guess this is when one feels lowest.
When the reality of one’s insignificance is most…

Where does one find the strength?